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We’re back! The last time we blogged, in September, we wrote optimistically about our hopes for a new series of Goodnight Sweetheart. As most of you know, the collective wisdom of the BBC was that they already had enough funny comedy shows and needed more of the other sort. When we got stroppy they sent the TV detector vans round, and as neither of us had a TV licence we were sentenced to a year in an open prison, with no Netflix or toilets. We’ve just been released, although the tags on our ankles are playing havoc with our tailoring.

While we were in Strangeways, we had time to think about the insanity that was sweeping through the world (Brexit, Trump, The Nightly Show) and how we could exploit the mayhem for fun and profit. As we shuffled around the exercise yard, it occurred to us that only one man could make sense of the chaos – Alan B’Stard. But sadly Alan died several years ago in a mid-air sky-diving orgy. Then we discovered that as a keen sperm donor throughout his life, Alan had at least one grown-up descendent, Arron, as brilliantly warped as his father. Furthermore, he had just bought the prison and was due to visit the following week.

We managed to get a meeting with Arron, who was flattered when we asked him if he’d let us turn him into a television comedy series. He made only one demand; He wanted all the money, credit and rights to the show. We agreed immediately, and he signalled to his bodyguards to reholster their weapons. Now all we had to do upon release was find a television company brave enough to let us put the truth out there; that all the problems of the world are the result of Arron’s manipulations and devilry. Although Arron is notoriously private, he allowed us to leak the news of his existence, which led to an immediate barrage of press interest.

When we came out of Strangeways there were so many journalists and photographers we looked around to see if Rolf Harris had been released with us. But no, it was Marks and Gran they wanted to interview, desperate to learn more of the man behind North Korea’s nuclear missiles, Marine Le Pen’s makeover, and The Nightly Show. So we gave several “exclusives” to the slavering hacks, one of which – exclusive not hack – will feature in this Saturday’s Guardian Guide magazine.

And now we’ve got to go and hide, because we’ve just seen Diane Abbot walking up the drive, accompanied by 250,000 policemen. We definitely should have bought those TV licences.